Bill Walton Rips Bong Hit on the Air
LOS ANGELES, CA — Thursday night at Pauley Pavilion took a wild turn when game analyst, Bill Walton, took a 45-second inhalation of marijuana on live television. Following a TV timeout late in the first half, a “Wild Bill” chant emerged from the UCLA student section. The chant was accompanied by a student waving an enormous marijuana smoking apparatus. The device (commonly known as a “bong”) was approximately 6 ½ feet tall and made of wood. The owner, Boomer, claimed the bong had been handcrafted from a fallen Yosemite redwood. The chant increased in volume until it drowned out the noise of the 500-person crowd. Even the heckling from the rambunctious Cal fans was temporarily abated by the deafening chant.
Eventually, Walton wandered over to greet the students during a TV timeout in the second half. The bong immediately caught the eye of the basketball legend. Upon taking it in his hands, Walton reportedly said, “This is an American relic. The artistic construction manifested in this instrument is a combination of Steve Jobs’s precision, Jerry Garcia’s free spirit, and Bono’s integrity. Where can I buy five?” After he was told the name of the vendor, Walton was seen vigorously scribbling on the back of his game notes. The student section then encourage Walton to try it. Bill seemed initially hesitant, until he remembered that he has never been held accountable for any of the moronic stunts he pulls while on the air. The students then told him this particular strain of marijuana was called “Purple Haze.” The commentator’s eyes lit up. It was over. Bill Walton could never resist Jimi Hendrix branded marijuana. He agreed he would do it, but only for “Mr. Jimi Hendrix, what a talent. I saw him play at Monterrey in 1967 and he was supernatural on stage. A rock and roll angel among men! Jimi could play with such ferocity and intensity, yet remain so graceful while doing it. I was shocked to hear that he died. I remember where I was when heard the news. I was riding in my buddy’s Volkswagen bus to a Grateful Dead concert…”
The student’s eyes glassed over, as they listened to the wizened basketball star’s story.
However, their boredom quickly turned to awe as Bill Walton proceeded to rip an unholy, 45-second hit from their bong. The TV timeout ended right as the analyst began to inhale from the marijuana-smoking device. The whole affair was televised to the audience of the PAC-12 Network. The 3,000 people who saw the act on live television were allegedly “shocked, but not surprised.” One viewer reportedly claimed he was canceling his Spectrum cable plan. “I’m not cancelling because Bill Walton smoked pot on TV. I’m cancelling because I’ve finally decided that Spectrum sucks more than PAC-12 sports.”
The commentator ambled back to the booth and resumed his analyst duties. His behavior seemingly unchanged by the narcotic. However, the broadcaster would not stop comparing elements of the basketball game to the Grateful Dead. Here are some of his more notable quotes:
“Cal’s offense has just got to keep Truckin’, they are up by 8 points, a nearly insurmountable lead with 12 minutes to go.”
“Throw it down big man! No, Moses Brown you better watch YOUR speed!” *laughs to himself*
“Now Jaylen Hands, he can take over this game, no doubt about it. He can over this game just like Jerry Garcia can take over a guitar solo.”
“Sugar Magnolia blossoms blooming! Head’s all empty and I don’t care!” (No context)
It is unsure whether this was intentional. Dave Pasch tried to get in on the joke by comparing everything to Steely Dan. Bill Walton called out his joke as a sad attempt at broadcasting and a mockery to the gods of basketball. This appeared to hurt Pasch’s feelings.
UCLA would go on to lose the game 49-44 and Cal would earn its first conference win. Walton claimed it was “a game for the ages” and the PAC-12 would “almost certainly” get 10 teams in the tournament this year.
