Jared Goff Plays Catch with Himself After Team Trades All His Friends Away
LOS ANGELES, CA — Jared Goff was spotted outside the Rams training facility Wednesday morning playing catch with himself after the team got rid of his best friends, Todd Gurley and Brandin Cooks, this offseason. The franchise quarterback’s new throwing routine consists of him throwing a football against the exterior wall of the facility and catching the ball on the rebound. Onlookers described the scene as “pitiful.”
The Rams quarterback was later caught by a member of the media as he stepped out of the team shower and asked about his new practice routine.
“Yeah, it’s not ideal. You see the football’s prolate spheroid shape makes it difficult to predict how it will bounce off the wall. Sometimes I’ve got to run up and catch it before it bounces off the ground and rolls into the parking lot. I’ve almost been hit by a car three times chasing these damn footballs. And all three of those times involved Blake Bortles… Probably just a series of coincidental mistakes… A couple of recurring, identical, career threatening mishaps…hmm…All in all, I’d say it was a decent workout. Not as good as having Todd and Brandin around, but what is? I get a bit more cardio from this routine, so I’m excited to jumpstart my conditioning.”
After his wall ball throwing session, Goff moved nets onto the practice field that had the faces of Cooks and Gurley on them. After he dropped a beautiful throw approximately 30 yards downfield into one of the Cooks nets, the quarterback was heard yelling, “That’s a damn good catch 12!” Another time he appeared to intentionally bounce a throw off the net’s left support beam before shaking his head and saying “Classic Todd. Catch with your hands next time instead of your body, three-zero.”
Goff’s home life has also changed according to his neighbors. Shortly after the departure of his friends, the Rams QB began staying up all hours of the night watching comedies from the 2000s and classic coming-of-age movies. The quarterback apparently broke down into uncontrollable sobbing during one such occasion while watching The Goonies. Through the hysterical bawling the only thing his neighbors could make out was “Goonies never say bye.”
It is unclear how Cooper Kupp will handle the newfound pressure of being Goff’s best friend.
