Burrow Cup Size Turns Off NFL Scouts

INDIANAPOLIS, IN — The presumptive top overall pick in the 2020 NFL Draft is having a rough week. Less than two days after official combine measurements revealed his embarrassingly small 9-inch hands, Joe Burrow’s results revealed another bombshell. But this time, the quarterback’s measurement is alarming scouts for falling on the large end of the spectrum.

Burrow was sized into an extra large cup size by the NFL’s official cup sizer. This was the only extra large sizing by a prospect in the quarterback positional group and the first extra large sizing for a quarterback since 2018 (Baker Mayfield). Other top quarterback prospects, Herbert, Eason, and Fromm all came up small, while Tagovailoa was measured average. 

Officially designated as a cockspurt by the league’s front office, Dr. Herbie Saddler has seen his fair share of one-eyed serpents over the years, but Burrow’s has left an impression.

“Let’s just say they don’t make cups big enough for that monster. The boy’s gonna need custom protective gear the entire time he’s in the league. Easily the biggest piece of equipment I’ve ever seen on a quarterback. It must take quite a toll on his back, slinging that thing around all day.”

While not “officially” a medically trained professional, Herbie was hired by the NFL as a part of it’s player safety initiative in 2007. The league was impressed with Saddler’s in depth knowledge of the male genitalia which officials described as “comprehensive” and “a little weird.” He was hired nonetheless and has served as the league’s sole penile consultant.

“I started out working with kids in recreational leagues. And for a long time, that was my passion. Then some unpleasantness forced me out of the industry for a while. I needed to pursue a greater challenge anyway. It was hard convincing the NFL to give me a shot, when I’m not a “real” doctor and all. But, I’ve been doing this for a long time as a nonprofessional. After a while, you just sorta pick things up here and there.”

Saddler’s findings have top scouts across the league concerned about the long term potential of an impressively endowed NFL quarterback. An anonymous scout gave his opinion on the matter:

“It’s concerning. Absolutely. I’ve known Doc Herbie for a long time and that man has seen a lot of dicks. I’ve got to trust what he says. You don’t want to trust your franchise to a quarterback that can’t scramble efficiently because he’s got an elephant trunk between his legs. Something that big is also at greater risk to injury. One bad fall and he’s out two games with a snapped penis. Frankly, I would feel more comfortable picking him if he had two clubbed feet. I know the Bengals are uneasy about Saddler’s report. They’ve never had anyone with a big penis in their organization.”