REPORT: Cam Newton Would Much Rather Be on the IR Somewhere Else
CHARLOTTE, NC — The rift between Cam Newton and the Panthers organization is “irreparable” claimed the star quarterback’s agent. Newton was placed on the IR Tuesday afternoon, after the reevaluation of his left foot. The quarterback suffered a Lisfranc injury before Carolina’s Week 3 matchup with the Cardinals. Panther’s medical staff informed team management that Newton’s foot had not responded well to treatment and advised shutting him down for the season. The Lisfranc injury remains one of the trickiest injuries for NFL players to recover from.
Upon hearing the news, Newton muttered, “Fuck this. I’m out of here.” The Panthers star tried to storm out of the locker room in dramatic fashion, but struggled due to his crippling injury. The quarterback angrily crutched out of the facility, purposefully slamming the rubber tips of his medical apparatus into the floor with every push forward. However, the end of his right crutch got caught on the frame of the front door. This sent Newton tumbling down the front steps. He reportedly told the Panthers staff members that had rushed to help him up, “Don’t touch me.” After seemingly getting back on his feet, Newton lost his balance a second time. The quarterback was then carted to his car by some of his associates. The resulting impression of Newton’s exit was sad and pathetic. Similar to watching a proud, man-eating lion lose his last tooth and resign himself to a future of circus performances. And with one year left on his five-year, $103.8 million contract, Newton will likely end up playing in a circus next season. Teams in the market for a franchise quarterback include: Cincinnati, Miami, Denver, and Chicago.
“Cincinnati has got to be the outhouse of the NFL. Just a watery, wet, shithole. Imagine a PortaPotty the day after a rainy Zac Brown Band concert. That’s the historical identity of the Bengals. Now the Dolphins are trying damn hard this year to be awful, but historically, they’ve been better off. So I’d say they’re more of a Golden Coral men’s bathroom. Cam deserves better than that.”
However, the franchise quarterback does not seem too broken up about the trade rumors. “I’ve actually heard lots of good things about Cincinnati, especially their benches. Handcrafted from Indonesian Makassar ebony wood by the oldest carpenter family in Italy. The family claims they descend from the man that crafted Jesus’s manager. The benches are then perfectly balanced by physicists in Geneva before being outfitted with a Tempur-Pedic cushion wrapped in Mulberry silk. They actually take a mold of your ass for the Tempur-Pedic cushion, it’s wild. Cincinnati is the future when it comes to perfecting a luxurious sit down experience. Whether I’m on the IR or orchestrating more three and outs, I know I will appreciate this kind of sitting comfort.”
Members of Newton’s entourage were seen outside of the Panthers facility Friday morning loading up the quarterback’s pre-game and post-game outfits into a moving truck. One of the boxes was labeled, “Silly hats.”
