Texans Fear Disemboweled J.J. Watt Out for the Season
HOUSTON, TX — J.J. Watt was slow to get up after sacking Raiders quarterback, Derek Carr. The Pro Bowler attempted to walk to the sidelines before collapsing on the turf. The stadium watched in horror as the defensive lineman’s intestines spilled out from underneath his jersey. Watt slammed his fist on the turf in pain as he awaited the Texan’s medical personnel. After a quick examination, Houston’s team trainer motioned for the medical cart. Watt refused to get on, insisting it would harm his tough guy image. He instead crawled 70 yards to the tunnel at the opposite end of the field, leaving behind a bloody trail of viscera. The crowd clapped for the entire 20 minutes it took him to exit the field.
Texans head coach, Bill O’Brien, spoke about Watt’s condition in his post-game press conference.
“As a coach, you hate seeing someone go down like that, especially a guy as important to our team as J.J. He’s been dealing with disembowelment issues in practice for weeks. Sometimes he would just take a lap around the field and his guts would be poking out by the end. Our training staff has done a great job of reassembling him when his parts go missing. One time, they stapled his nuts back to his pelvis after they popped off at the bottom of a pile. They’ve glue his skull back together so many times, an X-ray of his head looks like a jigsaw puzzle. I keep telling J.J. you’ve got to remember to put on your helmet before coming out to practice…But at the end of the day, staples and glue can only fix so much. A man can only take so much punishment. In the future, we’ll have to resort to more drastic means of keeping J.J. on the field.”
Watt even managed to video chat reporters from his hospital bed. However, the call was cut short after a member of the press commented on the “reddish glow” emitting from Watt’s pupils. One of Houston’s trainers quickly snatched the phone from Watt, informing the media that the NFL star had to rest and would not be taking anymore questions.
