Bears Hire Janitor to Compete with Trubisky

CHICAGO, IL — Matt Nagy made an unusual personnel decision early Tuesday morning when he decided to sign one of the team’s sanitation specialists to the practice squad. The Bears head coach addressed the decision before the team began spring workouts.

“I signed Cal Cunningham from Cunningham Bros Inc., yeah THE Cunningham Bros Inc. The one with all the local commercials. How have you not seen them? Yeah, exactly one of the brothers dresses as a wizard and fights off stain monsters with his cleaning magic… Yeah, we signed the wizard brother. We already had him in the building, and he’s been working hard to keep our facilities clean, so why not, I’ll give him a shot. I don’t know if the man can throw a football ten yards. That’s not the point. Mitch has struggled with inconsistently his whole career and frankly that’s my fault for not properly motivating him. In 2017, I brought in Mike Glennon to compete with him. That was a miserable failure. Mike was so bad, Mitch stopped trying at practice. I cut the ‘Aryan Serpent’ before the end of the season.

The next season I signed Chase Daniel to put some pressure on him. Now that I hear that sentence out loud — it sounds really dumb. The organ grinder monkey in my head was not working hard on that one. The only thing Chase Daniel put pressure on last season was my job. That Chef Boyardee meatball couldn’t find the endzone if he had a tour guide.

So, this year I’m giving Cal a shot. It was either him or paying $5 million dollars for some off-brand flavor of mediocre like Trevor Siemian. Yuck. Cal’s an Uncle Rico-like character, except he’s never played football. He says he used to toss some disc back in the day, but I don’t think that’s going to help him very much. Regardless, it doesn’t really matter. I’m going to give Cal a lot of second and first team reps and I’m going to praise everything he does, just to piss off Mitch.

‘Great pick Cal, gotta throw the defense a bone every once in a while to keep their focus up.’

’Way to take that sack, Cal. Put the punter in a great position. That’s a smart football play!’

Stuff like that. It’s gonna be great.

I’m trying to work the angle of: ‘It’s year three. If you don’t start playing like a franchise quarterback, you’re going to end up like Cal in a fucking wizard’s costume on local daytime commercials. Sandwiched right in between a Roto Wipe ad and a Pawn Stars re-run. Get your head out of your ass.’”