Rams to Matthews: You’ll Get Your Money…Someday..When We Have It…

LOS ANGELES, CA — Clay Matthews has filed a grievance against the Los Angeles Rams for the $2 million the organization owes him in guaranteed contract money. Matthews believes he is owed the lump sum of guaranteed money immediately, but officials within the Rams’s organization dispute the linebacker’s claim. The officials point to specific small print language in his contract that states guaranteed money can be delayed until “sunset on May 22nd” at which point the money must be “delivered to Matthews underneath the Wisdom Tree in Cahuenga Park.” The linebacker must “come alone, unarmed, and dressed head to toe in official Rams merchandise (new logo gear ONLY).” Rams GM Les Snead confirmed the franchise’s position on the matter directly through a statement to the media:

“The Rams will honor the contract we agreed to with Mr. Matthews and compensate him accordingly. We will pay Clay, no doubt about that…Just as soon as we have the money… Yep, should be any day now or worst case scenario he will have it by May 22nd. Could be this May 22nd, could be next May 22nd, we were pretty vague about that. He’ll just have to wait and see. Tell him to keep checking his bank account.”

Snead was later seen sprinting out of the Ram’s practice facility telling staffers he was “going to cash in a few favors.” The GM was then seen frantically driving around LA while screaming into his cell phone. Snead was overheard begging Aaron Donald and Jalen Ramsey for loans, even offering his children up as collateral. The Rams stars declined his offers. 

Snead sped off to the SBA Los Angeles District Office and parked in one of their handicapped spots. When he perceived no one was looking, he quickly pulled a handicap placard out from his glove compartment and put it around the rear view mirror of his Mercedes EQS. The GM then proceeded to fake a limp and cut to the front of the PPP small business loan applicants queue. The man at the front of the line had spent three days and three nights waiting outside the SBA building. He was hoping to acquire a PPP loan to save the restaurant that his great-great grandfather had started after immigrating to the United States from Korea through Angel Island. The man graciously let Snead cut in front of him in line after noticing the Ram’s executive’s limp. Snead responded to the man’s courtesy with a curt, “Yeah, okay, thanks buddy.”

Once he had made his way to the desk of a case manager, Snead informed the SBA employee, “Do you know who I work for? I work for the fucking Rams and I need some money. I have a buddy who works for the Lakers that said you guys are giving out free money. Well, I’m going to need a lot of that to dig myself out of a messy financial situation I put myself in.” 

Fifteen minutes, Snead was walking out of the building with a check. On his way to the car, he noticed the money was for $2 million.

“Two million fucking dollars?! That’s less than two veteran minimums! What the hell am I supposed to do with this?”

Snead then returned to the SBA and was granted an additional $1 million after explaining his situation: “We signed too many people to big contracts that we ultimately couldn’t afford. We cut some of these people loose in free agency and are stuck paying them their guaranteed money now rather than a couple years down the road. Therefore, more money por favor, to help us in this trying time?” After awarding the Rams all of the organization’s pre-allocated funds for the day, the SBA closed early. 

$3 million dollars was better than nothing, but still not enough for Snead who had to pay the remainder of the guaranteed money for Clay Matthews and Todd Gurley out of pocket. Snead started a GoFundMe with an $8 million target and shared it on FaceBook and LinkedIn. While he waited for that to pick steam, the Rams executive proactively called family and friends that owed him debts.

“Hey Uncle Tony, how ya been? Listen, I’m going to need that $150 you owe me. Yeah, you owe me $150. Remember when we bet on the NBA championship this year? Well, I wasn’t joking so pay up. Look, I’d happily pay up if I was in your shoes. A bet’s a bet, I don’t make the rules. Maybe next time don’t even put figurative money on the Lakers. No, you said $150 if they WIN. Last time I checked, they ain’t NBA champs. Doesn’t matter. How about you give me the $150 now and IF they have the playoffs and IF they win the championship, I’ll give you back your $150 with a little sugar on top. Make it an even $200 for your trouble. Alright, fuck you too Tony.”

Snead was able to raise $300 from debt collecting, most of which was from his grandmother who apologized profusely for “forgetting” to pay him for a summer’s worth of lawn mowing in 1981, 

Still nearly $6.5 million short, the GM turned to his last resort to raise the remaining capital. Donning a cowboy hat, boots, Wrangler jeans, and his muskiest cologne, Snead set up shop outside the Commerce Truck Stop in Los Angeles. He assumed his alter ego “Smokey” and began working the streets dusk till dawn to pay off the team’s contractual obligations to Matthews and Gurley. 

“Looks like I made $375 today, at that rate I will have paid off the money I owe Gurley and Matthews in… 47 years!?! Wait hold on, I actually used $25 today to eat, because a man’s gotta eat, so it’s actually…51 years…Fuck that, I’m going back to the SBA.”