David Griffin: Oh And Pelinka…I Want Your Pants Too
NEW ORLEANS, LA — Multiple sources claim to have witnessed Lakers’ GM Rob Pelinka leaving David Griffin’s New Orleans office without any pants on. After agreeing on the phone to a monster trade package that would send Anthony Davis to Los Angeles, Griffin reportedly changed his mind. The original deal would have sent Lonzo Ball, Brandon Ingram and the 4th overall pick in this year’s draft to New Orleans in exchange for AD. However, once Pelinka arrived in New Orleans, Griffin demanded another first round pick or he threatened to scrap the entire deal.
“Maybe, I’ll just call up my very dear friend, Danny Ainge, and see what he would be willing to offer for Mr. Davis…”
Pelinka panicked and immediately offered an unprotected 2024 first round pick. The Pelicans vice president could smell the desperation oozing from his Los Angeles counterpart. Griffin had him right where he wanted him.
“Now that I think about it, AD is pretty darn good. I would say he’s easily a top-5 player in this league. You could probably go, I don’t know, four drafts without seeing a player as good as he is. If we are bargaining in good faith, you’ve got to give me a bit more for Anthony. He will be missed sorely here in New Orleans.”
Pelinka told him that he couldn’t give him another first-round pick, but he could offer New Orleans the right to swap first-round picks with the Lakers in 2023.
Griffin was shocked. Pelinka is too stupid to realize when he’s being taken for a ride. The Pelicans executive, a well-renown champion of the “If you give a mouse a cookie…” school of negotiation, pressed further.
“Stop busting my balls Pelinka, you and I both know you can offer more than that for one of the best players on the planet. Make me WANT the offer rather than just settle for it.”
The Lakers’ GM meekly conceded he would throw in a top-eight protected pick in 2021. Griffin was barely listening. All the Pelicans executive could see was a man shaped piñata full of draft picks — And it was still his turn with the broomstick.
“What about Hart and Kuzma? You seemed very willing to give them up in previous conversations with my predecessor. I want both of them.”
Pelinka finally grew a spine. “If I didn’t know you better Griffin, I would say you are taking advantage of me. I have offered you plenty of former and future first-rounders for AD thus far. Therefore, I am entirely unwilling to give you Kuzma. However, I am willing to throw in Hart if you agree to sign the deal this very second!” Pelinka reclined in his chair with a smug expression on his face, very pleased with the emergence of his newfound resolution.
“Fine, I’ll take Hart and sign the deal – with one final condition. I want your pants, Rob. I want this to be as embarrassing for you as possible. Symbolically you are bending yourself over a barrel for me and this organization. Give me your pants and leave.”
Pelinka promptly stripped off his Oxxford dress pants and shook Griffin’s hand before leaving the building.
“I don’t even like Oxxford,” David Griffin confessed as he broke out the champagne with the other Pelicans executives.
