Giants’ Gettleman Consulted Magic 8-Ball for Draft Advice
NEW YORK CITY, NY — The enigmatic Giants GM, David Gettleman, employed a curious strategy ahead of his team’s biggest draft in over a decade. After trying roulette wheels, card tricks, and Ouija boards, Gettleman was left frustrated with the results. He felt no closer to discerning the potential of draft prospects. Card tricks and Ouija boards weren’t going to cut it. The Giants executive believed the organization needed a more powerful mystic connection. Therefore, Gettleman fired his scouting team to make room on his staff for a collection gypsies, warlocks, and soothsayers. The gypsies analyzed the stars for an entire week before they reached the conclusion that Dwayne Haskins is the true heir to Eli Manning. Gettleman rejected their prophesy. He fired them the following day for sounding too much like his scouting team.
The warlocks performed various dark rituals to unveil the truth. These ceremonies involved fragments of a Lombardi trophy, tears of a Jets fan, and essence of New York (turned out to be a dead rat wrapped in overpriced pizza). The warlocks decided that the Giants should pass on drafting a quarterback this year and focus on picking up defensive playmakers in this defense heavy draft. They also showed a particular fondness for LSU’s Devin White. “Next year, your quarterback successor will reveal himself to you,” claimed the elder warlock. Enraged, Gettleman handed over the warlocks to Catholic Church inquisitors for punishment. Gettleman was determined to draft a quarterback and no one was going to reason with him.
The soothsayers predicted much suffering in the Giants future. Many 6-10 seasons lie ahead. The only conference opponent the Giants will beat for the next five years is the Redskins! They told Gettleman that this draft will be a disaster as long if he remains the GM. The soothsayers recommended that Gettleman step down if he truly loves the Giants. The football executive ordered his bodyguards to strangle the soothsayers to which they responded, “As we have seen it! Alea iacta est!”
With nowhere else to turn, Gettleman solicited the services of a Giants-themed Magic 8-Ball from Target. After carefully removing the occult object from its packaging, Gettleman was prepared to test the 8-Ball’s fortune telling capabilities.
“O, wise Magic 8-Ball, tell me, should I draft Dwayne Haskins?”
-Ask again later-
Per the instructions, Gettleman waited the prescribed 2 hours before consulting the 8-Ball again.
“I ask once again, Magic 8-Ball, should I draft Dwayne Haskins with the 6th overall pick?”
-Outlook no so good-
“Should I draft the quarterback from Missouri, Drew Lock?”
-My sources say no-
“Who are your sources Magic 8-Ball?!?!”
-Better not tell you now-
“Fair enough. Tell me Magic 8-Ball, should I draft Daniel Jones from Duke?”
-Most Likely-
“That’ll do.”
