God: HAHA! Not so fast, Rutgers
OOH HO! You almost had it!! Got to be quicker than that!
You were so close, SO CLOSE to making the tournament. Most bracketologists had the Scarlet Knights “Safely in the Field” before the BigTen conference tournament, which is as close as Rutgers is ever going to get to being a lock for March Madness. This is nothing short of one of the most extraordinary miracles in human history. This is like a poor, Kentucky family watching a 40-pound turkey collapse in front of their aluminum panel mobile home on Thanksgiving. Right after little MaryAnne-Lu asked if they were going to have eat the family dog again. A true holiday miracle.
But right as Papa goes out to bag the bird, a pack of wild dogs carry it off into the woods. The family, full of disappointment, sits down at the table for another year of Dogsgiving. They eagerly wait for Ma to dump a couple of cans of lukewarm Ragu over an oven baked dog. She lovingly calls it “Lassie-agna.”
That’s where you’re at right now Rutgers, eating cheap meat sauce from the jar with a side of well-done Border Collie. You should be having turkey this year, you finally earned it. Even when you don’t fuck it up all up, it ends up all fucked up anyway. The world just couldn’t hold itself together long enough for you to flame out against some mid-major in the round of 64. But, hey, you’d take that any day of the week wouldn’t you? Nope. Not this year, bucko. You don’t even get the satisfaction of that. And I LOVE it. This is way funnier than I could ever have imagined. This shit’s better than pay-per-view.
God, I love fucking with Rutgers. You are my passion project, my labor of love. At this point, there’s no shit sandwich I can serve Scarlet Knight fans that they wouldn’t scarf down like a stray dog in Mexico City. I could slap down the grossest, wettest, dog shit in between two slices of stale pumpernickel bread and the fans would just plug their noses, grab their silverware, and dig into that shit sandwich like it’s the Last Supper. No questions asked. It’s pathetic. There’s no shitty situation they haven’t sampled like hor d’oeuvres at a cocktail party. They have truly tried them all:
A recent, historically bad football season? Check.
Football players charged with financial crimes? Check.
A basketball coach that missed one of his team’s own games after flying to another school to be inducted into their Hall of Fame? Check.
A former basketball star that lied about receiving his degree from the university so that he could be hired as the head coach? Check. (How do you earn 103 credits but not graduate?!?)
An athletic director making a bad Sandusky joke during a staff meeting? Check.
That same athletic director getting exposed as an abusive volleyball coach at Tennessee? Check. (Her “there’s no video, trust me,” statement was the centerpiece of her stalwart defensive strategy.
A basketball coach making his players participate in strip free throws? Check.
A basketball coach that bombarded his players with basketballs and called them gay slurs? Check. Wait, there’s a video? Double check.
And these were just my favorites on a long list of Rutgers scandals. I’m going to be honest, going into this basketball season I was at a loss. I had no idea what I was going to do. The 2019-2020 Rutgers football season was Edward Munch’s The Scream stretched over a 12 game season. The more you looked at it the more fucked up it got. It was beautiful and — if I’m going to be honest — some of my best work since the Old Testament. I wasn’t sure I could outdo such spectacular failure, without Rutgers disbanding entire its athletics department. A fan base can only take so many kicks to the balls before it all goes numb.
So after a long think, I thought I would try something different during the basketball season. Let. Them. Win. Not too much winning, just enough to keep it believable and entertaining. Couldn’t have anyone think I was helping them or anything… But even with my help you fucking idiots couldn’t win on the road. Not even at Pittsburgh? Really??? Pittsburgh won two games in February and lost to Nicholls! Whatever, you guys still did it. BARELY (you’re welcome). Then right before your moment of redemption, I unleashed a plague on the world that would’ve made Pharaoh blush! Oh man, that must’ve hurt!
All I really needed was to chum the waters with a little hope and watch as you bottom feeders swam straight into my net. GOTCHA! Trapped once again in the suffocating embrace of Rutgers fandom. That little taste of almost-success should be enough to keep the fans hooked through the next decade of nipple twisting failure. Buckle up ladies and gents, because I’ve got steel clamps, a car battery, and waaayyy too much time.
For any non-believers out there, let this be a testament to my existence. There is a God, an angry, vengeful God and he HATES Rutgers. Although I have to admit…I don’t even remember why.
