Instead of Retirement, Tom Brady Dreams of Glorious Death in the Arena
NEW YORK, NY — It seems that the only question anyone wants to ask Tom Brady is when he plans on retiring. The six-time Super Bowl champion has continued his dominance into his early 40s, an almost unprecedented feat in professional sports. He has mostly played down retirement speculation by claiming he has a desire to play until he is 45. However, last night at the Met Gala the NFL quarterback hummed a different tune.
When asked by a reporter when he plans to retire, Tom Brady launched into a detailed description of his ideal retirement. “I’ve been having this dream at night. The same dream, every night. It’s the Super Bowl. We are playing the New York Giants and we are down 6 points with 45 seconds to go. I take the snap in shotgun. There are corpses strewn around me. Donovan McNabb, Jake Delhomme, Kurt Warner, Brett Favre, Wes Welker, Vince Wilfork …My linemen collapse one by one, I am holding the ball too long. My receiver finally gets open on the deep post route. As I go prepare to throw the ball, Eli Manning rushes to sack me. Except it’s not the real Eli, but an enormous monster-like version of himself. I brace for the hit and release the ball. Eli picks me and slams me into the turf with such force he crushes all of my bones. In my last moments of existence, I can hear the crowd cheer my name. We won the game, we finally beat the Giants in the Super Bowl. The corpses I saw earlier now appear to be full of life. They beckon me to join them. I disappear into the ether as the fans carry me off the field. I awake in a golden wheat field. I am wearing my pads and uniform. I wander through the field with my arms outstretched, the heads of wheat pass through my hands. I see Gisele in the distance with my kids. The kids sprint over to me. And just as they are about to reach my arms, the dream ends.”
The reporter stood there with his mouth agape, unable to speak. Before he could formulate a follow-up question, Brady continued. “I do not intend to retire from football. I intend for football to retire me. Life without football is meaningless. I play for glory in the arena or death’s sweet embrace. The preparations have already been made. My estate is in order. Bob Kraft has agreed to the terms that if I were to expire on the field, I would be given a cremation like Darth Vader at Gillette Stadium. Now I can play with the reckless abandon of someone who awaits death like an old friend.”
The conversation became less and less coherent. The Patriots quarterback eventually exhibited a thousand yard stare and would only mutter about “Elysium fields.”
