Jay Cutler’s 7 Tips on Dodging the Check
Hey guys, this is Jay Cutler, former quarterback of the Chicago Bears and current husband of Kristin Cavallari. Today, I’m going to teach you how to dodge the check like a pro. Here are my 7 tips to getting meals “courtesy of the chef” whenever you want.
1. Identify Escape Routes
Dodging the check at a restaurant is an ancient art that must be respected. The process starts before you ever sit down at your table. If you start planning after you sit down, you’ve already lost, boy-o. As soon as I enter a restaurant, I’m identifying exits. I then assess the exits in an order of magnitude from “the perfect crime” to “a night in the clink.” A clean escape is the most important part of the entire operation. Feel free to break out the high steppin’ once you have made it onto the streets. You are as good as gone.
2. Go Out With a Group
The second most important tip is always go out with a group of people. Now it’s important that these people are NOT your friends because you will be leaving them with the bill. Is Uncle Dan kind of a dick? Make dinner plans and tell him to bring the whole family! Have some lame-ass acquaintances from college? Get a free meal out of them before kicking them to the curb.
Another great strategy I like to use is to fake join a club. Once you are on the email list you can orchestra plans to go out to dinner. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve left the Chicago Model Train Association with my check. What a bunch of fucking losers! I just create a new email and pretend to be another person very interested in model trains. It works every time.
3. Show Up Late and Leave Early
Always show up late to group dinners. It will inhibit the waiter’s ability to remember you or associate you with the group. Leaving early also minimizes your total time in the restaurant. Burn that candle at both ends, baby!
4. Memorize the Rotational Patterns of Servers
Take care to observe how the servers operate. Use a timer to measure how long they take to process checks, deliver food, and complete a full lap around the restaurant. Identify the best chances to execute your escape.
5. Have an Alibi
Always have an alibi in case you are caught. I’m Jay Fucking Cutler, so I generally use the alibi that I’ve got important shit to do. Do not concern yourself citizen. Obviously, I will be returning to pay my bill. I’m rich so I’m pretty sure I can afford your Applebee’s steak. That’s part of how I stay rich, ladies and gentlemen, by never paying for shit. Okay, so clearly that alibi won’t work for you. Unfortunately (for the ladies), there’s only one of me. I would recommend a more boring, believable alibi. Something along the lines of:
“My wife got in a car accident, I don’t have cash on me, but here is my phone number (fake number). I’ll stop by on my way home from work and pay tomorrow.”
“My dog escaped through the fence and some boy scouts found him in the woods behind me house. I have no idea how long he has been out. I’ll right back after I bring him back to my house.”
“She was dead when I found her, I have no idea how she got in my trunk.”
Maybe not that last one… that doesn’t really work for this scenario. Don’t be too dramatic, that makes the whole event more memorable and harder to pull off again in the future.
6. Never Hit the Same Restaurant Twice
Don’t be a dipshit. Don’t hit the same restaurant twice in a four month span. Let them forget about you and your dastardly ways before you give them the whole cock n’ bull treatment again.
7. Practice
Just like throwing a perfect spiral 50 yards down the field, this skill takes time to master (unless you are me). Practice makes perfect. Start out ripping off shitty lemonade stands in your neighborhood before you try to hoodwink the Ritz Carlton, bozo.
