Joe Paterno Statue Found at Above Ground Pool Party

LUMBRIDGE, PA — The bronze statue of deceased college football icon, Joe Paterno, has been found at an above ground pool party in rural Pennsylvania. The sculpture was a fixture on Penn State’s campus for a decade, before being removed in the wake of the school’s child sex abuse scandal. The Paterno statue was relocated to an unknown, secure location in 2012 and has not been seen since. Until now.

A drone hobbyist caught a glimpse of the statue when he was reviewing footage taken by his DJI Mavic 2 Pro.

“I was about 12 miles away from the closest town, which I think was Lumbridge. Anyway, I was testing out my drone’s camera on this big field. Must have been three football fields long and there was this forest at one end. Apparently, the forest wasn’t as big as it looked from my angle because the house was right behind it. I did a couple of loops around the forest, packed my gear up, and went home. Later when I was reviewing the footage, I noticed the house. Well, it was more like a shack with a huge above ground pool in the backyard. And there were a lot of people packed into that pool. Someone was throwing a party! And I shit you not, on the lawn next to the pool was the gold Paterno statue from Penn State. I checked the film at least three times. That was fucking JoePa. Any red-blooded Pennsylvanian can recognize that statue in their sleep.”

The drone owner refused to supply us with a copy of the footage or directions to the JoePa statue residence. The man was concerned that we were employed by the NCAA. However, he was willing to further describe the exterior of the home.

“Yeah, the shack was painted white with a navy blue trim on the edges. There were all sorts of custom signs and banners in the backyard. Some of them said things like “JoePa was Innocent”, “USC got what they deserved”, and “Prosecute Liars.” Around these signs were mountains of Pabst Blue Ribbon cans. It was hard to see the grass there were so many cans. JoePa was definitely on the right side of the pool. But, on the left side was this weird open-air porta potty. Someone had cut down a tree then scooped out the center area of the stump to fashion a natural toilet. Just in the middle of their backyard was this stump toilet and it had CLEARLY been used many times. I can’t imagine the smell.”

We were unable to verify the existence of this home. The hunt for Joe Paterno’s retired statue continues.