Bobby Knight Curiously Returns to Indiana
BLOOMINGTON, IN — Nearly three years after claiming he had no interest in ever returning to the University of Indiana, Bob Knight made his triumphant return to Simon Skjodt Assembly Hall. Knight’s presence ended a twenty year rift with the university that followed his firing in September 2000. The legendary head coach was honored at halftime by the university’s administration. Knight refused to shake hands with any of them, instead electing to seize the microphone for an impromptu speech.
“Thank you all, for the warm welcome. Wow, it is truly special being back at this great university. I have missed this place more than I ever realized. You all are what makes this place special and why, for thirty years, it was a privilege to serve as your head basketball coach. Unfortunately, my privilege was cut short. The emotions are still raw from the way my termination was handled, but I have decided to be the bigger man and bury the hatchet. But I would like to set the record straight. I never choked anyone who didn’t deserve it. Sometimes a slap on the wrist isn’t enough to correct poor behavior. I don’t believe in the carrot and the stick. I believe in the stick and the bigger stick. Eventually I’ll find a stick that is big enough — even if that stick is an entire tree. The sad truth about choking is it isn’t always enough, the shock wears off too quickly. The worst cases are when you need to go beyond the choke…
Furthermore, I made some comments several years ago about how I hoped everyone involved in my dismal was dead. My stance on that has not changed. I hope every single one of them is burning in an eternal lake of unquenchable fire. And if anyone managed to survive all these years like I have, I hope their death is imminent and painful. Go Hoosiers.” The crowd went wild.
As Knight was leaving the arena, a young Indiana fan boldly confronted the foul-tempered coach.
“Hi Bobby, could I please get a selfie?”
Knight lifted the 11-year-old up by his throat and choked him, Homer Simpson, style while yelling: “I don’t know what a fucking ‘selfie’ is, but my own wife isn’t allowed to call me Bobby. It’s Coach Knight or Mr. Knight to you. Do you fucking understand?” The 79-year-old former coach displayed surprising strength and dexterity for his age as he crushed the young boy’s windpipe. Witnesses agree that Knight must be getting good practice at home.
To the relief of the many fans in attendance, the former Hoosiers coach decided to end his return tour shortly thereafter, but not before threatening to knock out Dick Vitale for playfully touching his hair.
All in all, it was just another day for Bobby Knight.
