LSU’s Will Wade: That definitely wasn’t me
BATON ROUGE, LA–The embattled LSU basketball coach employed an interesting defensive strategy in court yesterday afternoon. Wade was caught dead to rights when his phone call with sports agent, Christian Dawkins, was wiretapped by the FBI. Audio of the phone call leaked to the press in March. In the recording, Wade discussed with Dawkins a “strong-ass offer” he was extending to a recruit. He also referenced his frustration with Javonte Smart after the player allegedly balked at the coach’s initial monetary offer. “I’ll be honest with you, I’m fucking tired of dealing with the thing. Like I’m just fucking sick of dealing with the shit. Like, this should not be that fucking complicated,” lamented Wade over the phone. Despite the incriminating wiretap and the testimony of Christian Dawkins (who is now cooperating with the FBI’s investigation), Will Wade has decided to deny the authenticity of the audio recording. Here is a transcript of how the court responded to Wade’s bold defensive tactic:
WW: “Yeah, that definitely wasn’t me.”
Prosecutor: “Mr. Wade, is the phone number displayed on the screen registered to either your work or personal cellular devices?”
WW: “That is not any of my phone numbers.”
Prosecutor: “If I were to call this number right now, would a phone in your pocket ring?”
WW: *Defendant begins to visibly sweat* “Um, no. Of course not.”
Prosecutor: “Mmhmm, alright. Mr. Wade what then were you doing when this phone call took place. Is there anyone that can confirm your alibi?
WW: “Yes, I remember exactly what I was doing. At 8:37 PM on Wednesday November 15th I was extremely busy, uh, weeding my front lawn.”
Prosecutor: “Do you frequently perform lawn maintenance in the evening, Mr. Wade? Must be pretty tough to see, especially after 6 PM in November.”
WW: “Yeah, well I manage.”
Prosecutor: “Yes, of course. Now we have another image we would like to show you. Here is a picture of you at a Bank of America ATM in Baton Rouge. The security camera lists the time as 9:42 PM, the same evening of the phone call. What are you holding in your left hand, Mr. Wade?”
WW: “That would be a burlap sack, sir. It’s very common to transport large sums in cash in sacks such as these.
Prosecutor: “Is it? Maybe if you are an old timey bank robber. It should be noted that the bag in the picture has ‘$$$’ written in what appears to be black Sharpie on its exterior. Now why would you want to advertise the fact that you are transporting a large sum of cash?”
WW: “The bag came that way when I bought it.”
Prosecutor: “Where did you buy it?”
WW: “At a yard sale.”
Prosecutor: “Fascinating. I would love to meet the man would sold you a burlap sack with ‘$$$’ written on the side. Perhaps he can help us solve a few of our unsolved robberies.”
WW: “Y-you wouldn’t know him, he works at another school.”
Prosecutor: “I’m sure he does. Now how much money did you withdraw, Will?”
WW: “$3,000.”
Prosecutor: “$3,000. Was this the only ATM you visited that night?”
WW: “Yeah, I’m pretty sure.”
Prosecutor: “Pretty sure? You didn’t even go to the Wells Fargo across the street to fill up that burlap sack a bit more?”
WW: “Yeah, I think I would’ve remembered that.”
Prosecutor: “What if I told you we have 24 pictures of you at other ATMs that night?”
WW: “I would say to respectfully lay off the crack pipe, sir.”
Prosecutor: *shows WW the other pictures*
WW: “Yeah, I kind of recalling being at a couple more ATMs that night.”
The self-destruction didn’t stop there. The prosecutor showed the court a map of all of the ATMs Will Wade visited that night. The ATMs perfectly orbited around the home of a five-star recruit. The prosecutor had no further questions for the defendant. The case is set to resume next week in New York. I wonder if Wade has considered paying the jury?
