Marvel Slaps “Pt. 1” on Endgame After Massive Box Office Projections
LOS ANGELES, CA — Box office estimates for “Avengers: Engame” have been sky high. The superhero flick is rumored to break $1 billion in its opening week. These lofty projections have compelled Marvel Studios to rebrand their magnum opus less than 48 hours before it hits the big screen. “Yeah we made a difficult decision, one that we did not take lightly,” said Marvel Studios president, Kevin Feige, at his Disney press conference. “With all these estimates suggesting that Endgame could break a billion dollars in one week… We just couldn’t miss out on this opportunity.” In the wee hours of Wednesday morning, Marvel Studios sent out teams of handymen to hand paint “Pt. 1” on all of Endgame’s LA billboards.
The Marvel president was asked how the abrupt rebranding was possible if the movie had already been made. Feige quickly responded that Marvel, “always leaves the story open for more sequels.” He went on to add:
“Nothing is ever final when it comes to a superhero’s story. They are not confined by mortal concepts such as death. That is why they are ‘super.’ The only thing that IS certain about superhero movies is that you fucking mouthbreathers will keep paying to see them.”
The media in attendance was surprised by Mr. Feige’s answer, but ultimately couldn’t deny his claims. Privately, many members of the press admitted how excited they were to see Endgame opening night.
America undeniably loves its superheroes, albeit maybe a bit too much. An altercation had to be broken-up during the press conference over an alleged disagreement regarding superhero lore. Two reporters got into an argument over which superhero is more powerful: Iron Man or Captain America. The last words bystanders heard before the brawl were, “If you even read the comics you would know that…” The police apprehended the two grown men until the conclusion of the event.
The Marvel president also provided some insight on where the series might head next. “We will be introducing a new superhero to the Marvel pantheon in the next installment of the series: MoneyMan. Now, MoneyMan’s superpower will be that he can absorb anything and transform it into financial gain. Any idea, object, or person is fair game for the MoneyMan. We have some ideas about the character’s backstory, such as his mother abandoning him as a baby on the doorstep of the World Bank, but those still haven’t been entirely fleshed out. MoneyMan starts out by only absorbing the manifestation of evil ideas like hate, lust, greed etc. He then uses the money to better his community. Is it morally wrong to profit off evil if you are using the money for good? That is a question at the center of MoneyMan’s ethos.
The Avengers eventually discover MoneyMan when they are inadvertently drawn to his power. They form a potent team that fights evil across the universe. However, MoneyMan’s greed consumes him and he turns on the Avengers. One by one, he sucks every last cent out of these superheroes. Fans will not be able to recognize their favorite heroes after the MoneyMan gets his hands on them! They will hate Dis-, I mean, the MoneyMan, and hate the hollow, clichéd characters that replace their favorite superheroes. But the MoneyMan doesn’t care about the fans. The MoneyMan is more powerful than Iron Man, the Hulk, Spiderman, and Black Panther combined. The MoneyMan always wins. The MoneyMan always wins…” Feige’s voice tailed off into an abrupt conclusion.
The press conference erupted into a standing ovation. It seems that Marvel can do no wrong.
Despite limited production on the film, “Avengers: MoneyMan” is rumored to already be an Oscar favorite.
