Metta World Peace: I Really Hate Diet Coke

Hi guys, this is Metta World Peace the NBA player formerly known as Ron Artest. I had a 15-year professional basketball career that has mostly been overshadowed by a battle royale style brawl I participated in early in my career. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. That was my bad guys. I gave Ben Wallace a pretty hard foul late in the game. But, I don’t regret that, fuck that guy. If anything, I regret not slapping the fucking fillings out of his teeth. Wish I had slapped him like the bottom of the ketchup bottle. I knew he wasn’t going to just stand there and take it. This was Ben fucking Wallace we’re talking about. Things were going to get physical and I was ready to rumble. He gave me a hard shove, whatever. It’s an NBA fight, what do you expect? I tried to deescalate the situation by taking a quick nap on the score table. Thought I’d catch some fluorescent rays ya know? Work on my gym tan. Big mistake.

My one true regret is going anywhere near those animals in the stands drinking Diet fucking Coke. As soon as I tasted the aspartame, I lost it. All I could see was red. I was ready to beat more ass than a mule breeder. Not even the children were safe from my vengeance. All of the fans were equally complicit in the plot to poison me with Diet Coke, the most diabolical of all diet soft drinks. How could these people willingly ingest such a vile substance? Have they not read the studies? I imagine it might take longer for knowledge and culture to reach the inbred cesspool of Detroit. Diet soda is clinically proven to increase the chance of heart disease. Not only that, but the artificial sweeteners are known to potentially cause migraines and damage the healthy bacteria found in the stomach. Researchers have also concluded that 99% of Diet Coke drinkers are disgusting, fat animals. A claim that also seems to coincide with my own observations. I wouldn’t even let my dog drink Diet Coke. Unless we were trying to dissolve an ulcer in his mouth.

Had I merely been hit with the ice-cold splash of Coca-Cola Classic I would have been pissed. But not angry enough to jump into the stands. I even enjoy a regular Coke every now and then. Even Diet Mountain Battery Acid wouldn’t have elicited such a volatile reaction. Diet Coke is by far the worst. Not only does it carry all the risk that comes with drinking diet soda, but it also tastes fucking NASTY. It can take hours to properly scrub the lingering taste of Diet Coke from your mouth. I washed down some orange juice with toothpaste one time to rid myself of the Diet Coke aftertaste.

You know what? I did that fan a favor by beating the piss out of him. Hopefully now, his body has a negative association with the act of drinking Diet Coke. Likely one that involves the feeling of being punched in the face, by me, Ron Artest. My beating might have even extended his life by 5-10 years. You are welcome for the improved long-term health prognosis jackass. My fists are better at preventing heart-disease than Cheerios. Let me know if you have any other problems that can be solved by punching you in the face, you bastard. *Breathes deeply* But that’s not me anymore. That was all Ron, my Dr. Jekyll. I am Metta now. Metta lets things go. Forget all memories you have of Metta trying to drive his elbow through James Harden’s face. Metta is peaceful. 

But seriously, this beating the fan shit followed me for the rest of my career. That’s all I am remembered for anymore. No one remembers that I once applied for a job at Circuit City, so I could get the employee discount. Or the time I destroyed that TV camera at Madison Square Garden. Or even the time I beat my wife like a dusty rug. The Kings were so spineless I was back on the court before the scratch marks she left on me had healed! Let me tell you, she got a whooping for those! I tried so hard to reinvent myself after Malice at the Palace. I even changed my name! Surely, the public would believe that by becoming Metta World Peace I have put aside my violent tendencies. That definitely didn’t work. For starters, I probably shouldn’t have overcompensated on the name. Going from the guy who beat fans like video game NPCs to the guy donning the name of mankind’s loftiest goal was a bit much. Something like “Nice Guy” would have had the same effect. I also probably should have stopped playing like a dick too. Now the name feels a little silly.

So what is Metta up to these days? Great question! I played in Ice Cube’s BIG3 league on Charles Oakley’s Killer 3’s team. We lost, but it was all good fun. What I am really excited about is the pitch I’ve been working on for the WWE. Think about it. Despite my obvious prowess as a street fighter, I have never been contacted by the WWE. I am pitching an interactive fan experience that takes place during a WWE show. I would reprise my role as Ron Artest and WWE fans would storm the ring while I take them on. Kind of like an endless zombie invasion style scenario. I’ll be thrashing around like an angry shark out of water and the fans will be coming after me like Japanese whalers. How many fans does it take to bring down an angry Ron Artest?! That is primetime! Malice at the Palace is hitting the road!

I’ll never forgive myself for the way I behaved during Malice at the Palace. But, I will double never forgive Coca-Cola for making such a disgusting and dangerous soft drink. They are the real bad guys here! It’s all Coke’s fault. I’ve seen that same violent reaction from dads who order Coke at a restaurant and get brought Diet Coke instead. You can almost see their eyes turn red. God I really really fucking hate Diet Coke. And don’t even get me started on Coke Zero…