MLB Fans: Robot Umps Will Take Fun Out of Baseball
“Now who the fuck am I supposed to blame when the Mets lose?” Professional baseball fans everywhere are upset that strike-zone robots may usurp the sacred ballpark tradition of blaming the officials. The technology is currently being tested in the Atlantic League. Meanwhile, the MLB front office is considering strategies to fully implement strike-zone umpires across all regular season games.
“We are looking at ways to speed up the game and eliminate human error, without damaging the integrity of the sport” claimed MLB commissioner, Rob Manfred.
“It’s a goddamn disgrace,” says Stephen Whitney, 62 from Pohinkus, Georgia. “I drive two hours into Atlanta and pay $60 to sit in centerfield, in the middle of the week, while the Georgia sun melts my fucking briefs to my cargo shorts for two things: to get very drunk and heckle the umpire. In my twenty years of going to baseball games, I have never once been sober enough to remember anything past the sixth inning. I have to look in the paper the next day to find out who won. If you think I’m getting piss-drunk on overpriced beer to yell at C-fucking-3PO in the seventh circle of Hell that is section 126, you got another thing coming, Manfred.”
Danny Spaulding from Collingswood, PA told us, “Berating the ref is just a homegrown tradition of major league baseball. Communities aren’t formed through churches, schools, or any of that other shit. Communities are formed when you go down to your local ballpark. When you root for the home team. When you scream obscenities at the officials for making a call against YOUR team. There was an exact moment where I knew I belonged in Philly. I was at a Phillies game in 2006 at Citizens Bank Park. The ump gave Utley a backwards K at the bottom of the 5th. My mind told me the umpire made a good, logical call. But my ears heard the outrage of the crowd and my mouth said, “Fuck you, blue!” My brain has never disagreed with the Philly faithful since. I fully trust in the collective group thinking ability of the Philadelphia sports faithful.”
An anonymous, lifelong Twins fan shared his take on robot umpires: “Show’s over boys. Once they start rolling out these robots, we’ll just have to accept our team sucks. No more blaming human error. The MLB commish is gonna neuter us of the little dignity we have left. They should disband the team and spare us the shame.”
Chemtrailblazer37, Marlins fan and local conspiracy theorist: “How do we know that some teams won’t try to pay the robot engineers to generate strike-zones in their favor?”
Ronnie Cunningham Jr., Reds fan: “There’s just something humanizing about staring down an umpire for seven innings, as you patiently wait for that perfect moment when your eyes meet. Just so you can look him dead in the eyes, and tell him to go fuck himself for doing his job. That’s what America is all about.”
