NCAA Selection Committee Process REVEALED
NEW YORK, NY — An anonymous NCAA Selection Committee (mob) member has finally revealed the process through which the committee selects teams for it’s March Madness national tournament. Surprisingly enough, the process is much simpler than anyone could have guessed. And no, it’s not dominated by heated discussions over the various team ranking metrics, such as the tried and true strength of schedule or the shiny, new NET. Numbers have very little to do with it all.
“Yeah we mostly just pick whatever Sig. Lunardi puts in his bracket. He does all the hard work for us. All the analyzing and explanations are pure *kisses all his fingers together* mwah. Plus, he actually watches all the games. Sorry, but I’m just not rearranging my busy schedule, so I can watch an 11:00 PM match-up between Utah State and UNLV. My wife would a-kill me! *vigorous hand waving* Most of the time I don’t even watch the highlights the next day. Did you know there are 351 Division 1 NCAA basketball teams. Accidenti! Only a complete virgin, loser that lives in a bunker could keep up with all those teams. Oddio, can you even imagine the smell of Lunardi’s man cave? Che schifo… I can smell it now. Dominos, sweat, a hint of garlic, and man milk. Mama mia, my eyes are just a-watering a-thinking about it. And I bet he likes to get his pizza with stuffed crust too. He just seems like that kinda of guy. What an animal.
The past couple of Selezione Domenica we’ve gone into our final meeting and copied all of Lunardi’s picks exactly as he writes them. Then we spend the rest of the time arguing about which a-teams people would bitch the least about if we were to take them out of the torneo. Then we agree on one, two, three of them and buca-di-beppo they’re gone. It’s that a-simple. Sometimes we move teams around too, just to shake-a the pot. I can’t believe no one has ever connected the dots before.”
When asked about whether Joe Lunardi knows he is essentially picking the teams for the NCAA tournament:
“Oh yeah he knows. Lunardi’s in on it. He knows what we are-a up to, but he can’t prove it. Plus, he also knows that if he ever did try to prove it we would ruin his life. I’m talking about putting Mount St. Mary’s as a 1 seed kind of devastazione. We’d tear his bracket to the ribbons and he’d never a-work in this town again, ahaha. Si signore, he knows not to come after the committee. Sometimes we bust knees, other times we a-bust a-brackets, it just-a depends.”
