OBJ Hands Out Contraband Baskets to LSU
NEW ORLEANS, LA — After LSU’s emphatic victory over Clemson in the national title game, Odell Beckham Jr. was filmed handing out gift baskets to LSU players. However, the contents of these baskets were not the traditional assortment of championship mementos. The baskets were filled to the brim with an array of goodies all defined as contraband by the NCAA: Anabolic steroids, hypodermic needles, supplements containing banned and bizarre substances (platypus eggs, manatee blubber, tiger scrotum), marijuana leaf bouquets, autographed pictures of OBJ, cash, get out of class passes, self-administered concussion tests, Toradol, and expedited LSU diplomas. One player was even spotted walking off with a $25 gift card to a Baton Rouge area gentleman’s club. The player remarked, “I’m getting everything on the menu!”
The NCAA is currently investigating LSU for any infractions committed after the national title game. If the allegations are found to be true, the NCAA is considering measures involving stripping Joe Burrow of his Heisman trophy and forcing the team to forfeit it’s national title.
In other news, Michigan State mascot, Sparty, was discovered molesting an unconscious male student behind the school’s football facility. The NCAA announced it would not be conducting a formal investigation at this time on the matter.
