Ohio State President: At Least We Didn’t “Diddle” Kids
COLUMBUS, OH — Ohio State is reeling in the wake of a report that alleges a school doctor sexually assaulted more than 175 male athletes over his twenty-year career at the university. Through the media firestorm, Ohio State President, Michael Drake, wants you to know one thing: “At least we didn’t diddle kids.” Oof.
He went on to say, “I think we, as a university, should pat ourselves on the back for the restraint our employees showed around the younger members of the community. We are not Penn State or Michigan State. Those kinds of disgusting and depraved abuses do not happen on our campus.”
The university president failed to see the irony or the criminally low standard his words set. Reporters gave Drake multiple opportunities to dig himself out of the proverbial hole he had created. Instead, he set down his shovel and picked up a jackhammer. Michael Drake dug the hole much much deeper. A journalist asked the Ohio State president if he wished to rephrase his statements to avoid being misconstrued. Drake responded with, “Ohio State doesn’t molest kids. The sexual abuses that happened over the course of twenty years is not the university of today. Societal standards have dramatically changed since then, just as our standards as an institution of higher learning have changed. Grab-ass is not acceptable anymore. Whether it’s in the locker room or the doctor’s office. I vow to put an end to this kind of behavior at Ohio State or at least do a better job of covering it up, so that you never ever hear about it. Information just travels too fast and…”
At this point, members of the media interrupted Drake’s vile speech with shouts of protest. The Ohio State president eventually quieted the ramble down and continued.
“I think the university is receiving unfair backlash. Ohio State dismissed the perpetrator once we were aware of his improper conduct. Maybe not AS SOON as we became made aware, but we eventually got around to it. The doctor was allowed to keep his tenure because…uh… he had earned it. The Ohio State Athletics Department was founded on the slogan, ‘Win at all costs.’ Wait that’s not right. It was founded on, ‘Winning isn’t everything, it’s the only thing.’ That’s not right either, never mind the phrase. We care about our student athletes deeply and regret these many unfortunate incidents. Please remember, at Ohio State we don’t diddle kids or underage gymnasts. And to be fair, most of our victims were above the age of 18 and technically, some of them COULD have consented…” *uproar erupts from the crowd*
After the apocalyptic press conference, Ohio State’s PR firm was spotted returning to campus with toasters, coils of rope, and tubs of bleach. It is unclear how these items will help resolve the nightmarish public relations scenario unfolding at OSU.
