Ravens “Thrilled” to Sign Triple Homicide Suspect

BALTIMORE, MD — The Baltimore Ravens made the bold decision to sign Caligula Murray from the waivers just a week after the linebacker was cut by the Raiders and three months after the player was arrested in connection to a triple homicide at a Las Vegas area orphanage.

Head coach John Harbaugh confirmed the signing at his press conference.

“He’s got ‘Ravens’ written all over him. Murray will be a terrific addition to the Baltimore tradition of tough defense. We are thrilled to be able to pick him up, especially at such a bargain price.”

When asked whether he was concerned about the murder investigation the Super Bowl winning coach responded:

“Yeah, that’s horrible situation out there in Las Vegas, prayers to the victims and the community. But, we are focused on putting together the best team possible and winning football games. We think Cali will be a big part of that. We did our due diligence with regard to him and his ‘situation.’ His alibi checks out with us and in this country you are innocent until proven guilty, so he’ll be active until he is found guilty in a court of law.”

Murray’s alibi, according to the police report, states that the NFL player claimed he was with his “cousin” from approximately “when the murders started” until “when police arrived on the scene.” The linebacker also doesn’t remember where he was in Las Vegas or what he and his cousin were doing. Despite being unable to provide more information, the alleged cousin wholeheartedly agreed with Murray’s account. The linebacker is still considered a primary suspect by the Las Vegas Police Department.

Meanwhile, Raiders head coach, Jon Gruden, was incensed at his press conference. The second year coach was furious his organization had cut the talented linebacker before he was charged with a crime. Gruden had personally lobbied Mark Davis to keep Murray on the roster until they “slam the cell door shut” on the linebacker. Davis initially agreed to keep Murray on the roster with the hopes that law enforcement would quickly clear the linebacker of wrongdoing. However, after three months, Murray has become the investigation’s biggest lead and primary suspect. Public outcry overwhelmed ownership and Davis made the call to have Caligula released from the team.

Gruden’s statement on Murray’s release:

“My staff and I preach loyalty and respect to our guys. Then we go and stab a good man in the back, right when he needs our support the most. How in the hell am I supposed to look my players in the eye again after this?”

The Raiders coach received widespread condemnation for his use of the expression “stabbed in the back.” The slain orphans were found to have been knifed from behind as they fled the perpetrator. Gruden has yet to issue an apology, instead admitting he’ll “have to rewatch the tape.” The LVPD has not yet released any tape related to the investigation.

Gruden has previously stated that he “fell in love with Murray’s motor” after watching police body-camera footage of the player drunkenly fleeing law enforcement officers while in college. The linebacker was eventually detained for public intoxication, but not before he led police officers on a wild 30-minute goose chase.

“I looked at the tape, the police tape, and I’ll tell ya, Cali’s got great acceleration. Just look at how he flees the scene of the crime. He’s also got some moves for a big fella. Look at how he juked those cops! Made ‘em look like a couple of rookies on their first perp walk. Haha, can’t teach that! Murray’s got the speed of a gazelle and the build of a Silverback. It took three police officers and two tasers to get him to even slow down. And there ain’t no tasers allowed on a football field.”

The Raiders loss is the Ravens gain. One former Raven has fully endorsed the new signing. Future Hall of Famer, Ray Lewis, has even given Caligula permission to wear his legendary #52. “He reminds me of me,” beamed Lewis as he presented Murray with his #52 jersey.

The NFL has not made a public comment on Murray’s situation. However an NFL official that spoke on the condition of anonymity told us “Well, they haven’t proved he did anything yet, so technically he hasn’t violated the rules yet. It’s not against the Personal Conduct Policy to be accused of something.”