Spike Lee Checks into Rehab for Knicks Withdrawal
NEW YORK, NY — A day after Academy Award winner and Knicks super fan, Spike Lee, swore never to return to a Knicks home game — until next season — the director was spotted checking himself into a Manhattan area rehabilitation clinic. Sources close to the filmmaker claim it was due to Spike’s “spiraling Knicks addiction.” Lee reportedly reneged on his vow less than 24 hours after making it on national television. Spike Lee’s cousin, Curtis Lee, spoke with us on the matter.
“Yeah it started with him saying ‘I can’t find my orange framed glasses…I must’ve left them at the game on Monday. I’ll have to swing by real quick and pick them up. I’ll be in and out in ten mins tops. Thirty minutes go by and I decide to go in and look for him. Sure enough he’s sitting in his damn seat with a large drink, Raisinets, the whole nine yards. He even had his jersey on underneath his jacket, which means he had been planning this all along. I know with addiction you aren’t supposed to blame the victim, but this really hurt. I don’t know when I’ll be able to trust him to go into Madison Square Garden alone again.”
Doctors have studied the effects of the New York Knicks on the human mind for years without any conclusive findings. Dr. Quentin Hapenhauser, a leading researcher of recreational Knicks use, believes the drug should be regulated.
“Essentially there are two categories of people: Those susceptible to Knicks abuse and those that are not. Research shows the primary factors of Knicks addiction are sex, genetics, and geographic location. Men are 5x more likely to be Knicks abusers than women. Children of Knicks fans are almost 800x more likely to develop the affliction themselves. And a person’s hometown appears to play a dominant role in determining the susceptibility of that person to Knicks abuse. We see a huge cluster of Knicks addicts in the greater New York metropolitan area with only sporadic Knicks addicts found outside NYC’s radius. Research into the causation behind this phenomenon has so far been inconclusive.
People ask me all the time ‘Do you believe the Knicks should be regulated by the federal government as a controlled substance? Absolutely. People just starting out as Knicks fans don’t realize the harm they are exposing themselves too. Especially the kids. They get all caught up in the glitz of basketball’s Mecca only to be exposed to the side effects later in life. Research has shown it is 15x harder to kick a Knicks habit that was developed in childhood or adolescence. We’ve seen twenty-year addicts experiencing a variety of symptoms such as depressive episodes, self-loathing, migraines, irrational anger, rational anger, nihilism, vomiting, and diarrhea. They’re so broken by the time they finally get help that they can barely even watch basketball anymore.”
Dr. Hapenhauser then went on to chronical his own battle with Knicks addiction:
“You watch the Knicks to forget all your troubles, but pretty soon the Knicks become all your troubles. I know that firsthand. I’m a recovering Knicks addict myself. All I ever wanted to do was sit in front of my TV and watch the Knicks. I worked only to sustain my Knicks habit, but I could never get enough. The more they lost, the more I felt like I deserved it…I deserved to be let down. I missed birthday parties, weddings, and my kid’s first steps, all because of the Knicks. Although I kicked the habit, those are moments I can never get back. I gave up the team years ago after my wife staged an intervention. She told me she loved me and that maybe I should try watching the Nets sometime. I’m happy to say I’m eight years sober. I watch the Nets now and while it hasn’t always been easy (Paul Pierce/KG trade), I’d say things are looking up. We’re going to have a great team next year.”
