Williams Refuses to Play Until Redskins Fire Medical Staff
LANDOVER, MD — Redskins’ offensive tackle Trent Williams is prepared to dig in over his demands to the Washington front office. No, it’s not about money or a new contract. Williams wants the Redskins to fire its entire training staff for the way they handled the removal of a benign tumor on his cranium. In particular, Williams places the blame on the leader of the medical staff, Dr. Hannibal Lecter, for resorting to such unnecessarily barbaric surgical methods.
Williams claims Lecter and his staff performed the procedure in the abandoned asylum underneath the Redskins’ training facility in Richmond. Dan Snyder acquired the psychiatric hospital shortly after purchasing the team in 1999. The asylum had an infamous history of performing sadistic experiments on its occupants up until its closure, shortly before the turn of the 20th century. After being informed of this, Snyder allegedly told the realtor, “Yes, it’s perfect… I’ll take it…for 25% off.”
Rather than bulldoze the haunted campus, Snyder decided to build his training facility on top of it and bill the city of Richmond for it. The owner is rumored to have an office there where he invites all the season ticket holders that are not renewing their tickets to a gathering. Family members have described those that return from these events as “acting distant” and only expressing “a great desire to purchase large quantities of Redskins merchandise.”
The Redskins’ lineman recalls being ambushed by the training staff on his to the ice tubs after a particularly grueling workout. The trainers restrained him long enough to inject a “nuclear green” looking liquid into his neck. The last thing Williams remembers is being stuffed into a wheel barrow and carted into the underbelly of the training facility. The lineman then went on to describe the flashes of consciousness he can remember while being transported through the asylum.
“I remember seeing these big individual tanks filled with water. Inside all of them was the same African American man floating in the water breathing through this mask over his face. He didn’t look dead, but he also wasn’t completely alive. The tanks all read something like ‘S-Tay-21 #1001.’ And there were dozens of them.”
“In one room, I saw detailed medical diagrams of the human arm and knee scattered across tabletops. I then noticed various bionic versions of these limps with varying degrees of functionality. On a chalkboard was the name of the project: ITM or ‘Indestructible Throwing Man.’ The project’s goal was to create a cyborg capable of withstanding inhuman degrees of punishment while still throwing for 200 yards, 2 touchdowns, and 1 interception a game.”
After his flashes, Williams recalls waking up on the operating table. The training staff had belted him to a grimy 1900s-era surgical bed. The wrist and ankle restraints had already been engaged, courtesy of the medical team. A figure lurked in the shadows just outside the radius of the bright overhead surgical lamp.
“Ah, you’re up! Perfect…Let us begin with the exper…procedure. Come, Dr. Mengele,” announced Dr. Lecter as he emerged from the shadows. The operation soon began.
What followed was an operation so barbaric and agonizing that Williams refused to provide any further description. All he would say is that the procedure took over five hours and it was performed without the use of anesthesia. However, the tumor on his head was successfully removed.
“Yeah, I ain’t coming back to work until Dr. Lecter, Dr. Mengele, and all those lunatics are out of a job.”
The training staff emphatically denied Williams’s account of the procedure. Dr. Lecter released a public statement on the matter in response to the controversial claims: “The operation Williams had requested was performed in a modern hospital equipped with the very best amenities, including anesthesia. The patient was severely dehydrated when we arrived to escort him to the operating room. His fantastical descriptions are the conjurings of a wild imagination within a parched brain. Nothing more than a series of mirages. However, if these problems persist, perhaps Trent should come in for a psychological evaluation? We would love to see him again.”
