Chris Paul Contract Fails to Sell At Local OKC County Fair

OKLAHOMA CITY, OK — The Oklahoma City Thunder detonated their lineup when they traded away Paul George to the LA Clippers and Russell Westbrook to the Houston Rockets. A stalwart contender in the playoffs for the better part of the past decade, OKC now braces itself for a rebuild filled with uncertainty. Those around the league wonder what the future holds for Steven Adams and Chris Paul in Oklahoma City. Neither player fits in with the team’s newly minted rebuild strategy. Adams has developed into a productive center that averaged nearly a double-double last season (13.9 points, 9.5 rebounds), while also shooting 60% from the floor. The Thunder would almost certainly find other teams interested in trading for Adams should they decide to part with the 7-foot New Zealander.

Thunder GM, Sam Presti, confirmed the organization’s confidence on this matter.

“We haven’t decided on what we are going to do with Steven, yet. However, if we decide it is in our best interest to trade him, we would have no trouble finding someone willing to make the deal. Pat Riley calls me every other day asking if ‘dollar-store Jason Momoa’ is available or if ‘the big Kiwi fuck’ wants to play somewhere that likes to win. I keep hanging up and blocking his number, but I think he keeps buying new cellphones just to harass me. Sometimes he calls me so he can tap his 2012 championship ring against the receiver and whisper ‘Thank you, Benedict’ before hanging up. I don’t look anything like Benedict Cumberbatch. He’s such a dick.”

The franchise is less optimistic that they will be able to move Chris Paul before the start of the season. A Thunder staffer spoke under the condition of anonymity on the matter:

“The only way we were able to make the trade with Houston was if we agreed to take Paul as part of the deal. At the time we said, sure fuck it, we already set the house on fire who cares if we shit on the carpet? But, we made two poor assumptions:

1). Chris Paul has some value on the free market.

2). Chris Paul, in the twilight of his career, might be willing to forego some of the money on his contract, so that he can compete for a championship on a contender.

Both of those assumptions have proven to be wildly inaccurate. Chris Paul demands his checks in cash, so that he can slowly count every single bill like Scrooge McDuck. I’ve never seen anything like it. He counts them really close to his face too. We all have our own theories on why he does this, but I think it’s so he can sniff each piece of currency like a Nazgul as he’s counting. No way is that man going to take less money.

And on the flipside, no one in the NBA wants Chris Paul, especially when his deal is as disgustingly bloated as it is. We’ve tried other ways of getting the man his money off the books just so he will go away. We tried auctioning off a ‘Day with Chris Paul’ at the Oklahoma state fair. The winning bid was $25.50. The winner, a 73-year-old man named Harvey Brown, was ecstatic to have ‘Cliff Paul help him file an insurance claim.’ We’re so fucked.”