Gordon: No Team Has Let a Star Player Sit a WHOLE Season
LOS ANGELES, CA — Members of the media caught up with Chargers running back, Melvin Gordon outside of a Los Angeles area training center. When asked about his ongoing contract dispute with the LA-base franchise, Gordon confidently informed reporters that he’s “not worried one bit” about the negotiations.
“The Chargers organization is filled with smart, logical people from top to bottom. Remember, these are the same visionaries that brought LA its SECOND professional football team in two years. Now, we sell-out the Flamin’ Hot Cheetos Bowl every Sunday. Well, until the NBA regular season starts in November… or if there is a Galaxy home game… or if the Westminster Dog Show is in town…”
“At the end of the day, the front office knows how important I am to the offensive chemistry. Without me, defenses will be keying in our passing game. Besides, no team has ever let one of their star players sit out for a whole season… I’m sure I’ll get paid before the preseason.”
Gordon is currently represented by sports agent Adisa Bakari from Work@HomeSports. The organization’s tagline is: “Sometimes you gotta lose to win.” Bakari is notorious for his handling of Le’Veon Bell’s contract negotiations with the Pittsburgh Steelers. Bell’s refusal to sign the franchise tag (at Bakari’s bequest) resulted in a personal loss of 14.5 million. Bakari has encouraged Gordon to continue to attend personal workouts with trainers outside of the Chargers organization, but to be very “mysterious” about his fitness regime. Gordon was also instructed to act very passive-aggressive and erratic during contract negotiations with Charger’s officials. Bakari is a renowned advocate of psychological manipulation. He believes that “winning the mental battle” is an essential part of securing a favorable long-term contract.
Finally, if a new deal hasn’t been reached by the start of the preseason, Bakari has given the Chargers running back permission to employ the nuclear option: go on vacation. By plastering his social media with pictures of his vacation, he will remind his organization how much fun he is having while they are hard at work. This will make the Chargers front office question his love for the game. The uncertainty will drive the franchise to offer Gordon a desirable contract out of fear of losing their running back.
Bakari on his unconventional negotiating tactics:
“You always want to paint your opponent into a corner. There, they will be forced to make a desperate, irrational decision that has about a 50/50 chance of being incredibly generous or career ruining. Essentially a coin–flip over whether your hard work amounts to any significant monetary gain. I’m 0-1, so far. Therefore, the law of averages demands that the coin lands in my client’s favor this time. God, I love statistics.”
