Clemson Raises Tuition to Build Medieval Castle Complex for Football Players
CLEMSON, SC — Students at Clemson University woke up to a shocking email Thursday morning. Clemson’s President, James P. Clements, announced in a letter addressed to the community that tuition would be increasing 20% to accommodate a new building project. The construction will be for a massive medieval castle complex for Clemson’s football players. The castle will have its own airport, golf course, bomb shelter, vineyard, ice rink, racetrack, and an out-door amphitheater that seats 20,000 people. The tuition hike comes in the wake of the university’s failed bid to fundraise the $600 million from alumni. The spokesman for Clemson University’s Alumni Association informed Clements during a private showcase that the donors will not support this project. “We love our football, but are you kidding me? We aren’t paying for that shit.” Clements, determined to move forward with construction, made an executive decision to levy the cost on the students.
In the email, Clements wrote:
“At Clemson, academics come first. However, we strive to be #1 on the field and in the classroom. We find that this construction project is imperative to that mission. We will be raising tuition across the board 20% to accommodate this building venture. Championships come at a great cost, but their value to the greater Clemson community is priceless. We hope you understand and support these monumental efforts to better the community as a whole.
Thank you and go Tigers!
James P. Clements”
The university also outlined an aggressive plan to eliminate unnecessary infrastructural costs. Printers, scanners, and laundry machines will be taxed at a rate of $10 per use. Dining halls will be closed on Fridays and Saturdays as a part of the school’s “Starving Saturdays” and “Fasting Fridays” initiative. The initiative is designed with the intention of “keeping the community hungry for championships.” In addition, students are strongly encouraged to volunteer their spare time to the construction project. If voluntary student participation does not eclipse 75%, then the school will begin conscripting unwilling participants. The newly formed, Office of Debt Collection, will ensure these guidelines are enforced through their team of on-campus bounty hunters. Clemson bounty hunters are authorized to capture students with outstanding debts, detain violators of these new guidelines, and “neutralize dissidents.” Students with the dissident label will be unable to register for classes, swipe into dinning halls, or attend school sponsored events until they attend a series of “extracurricular educational events” sponsored by the Office of Debt Collection. Clemson University is also heralding the release of its new Tiger Eyes program. Tiger Eyes is a community driven effort to support school spirit. Students are encouraged to appraise exemplary examples of Clemson spirit and report those who engage in conduct detrimental to campus cohesion.
Clemson has also announced they will be cutting funding to the following programs and organizations: The College of Arts, Architecture, and Humanities, The College of Science, The College of Education, men’s soccer, men’s lacrosse, men’s swimming, all women’s sports, and Greek Life.
The news of Clemson’s building project comes on the heels of the University of Alabama’s plan to launch its own football player space station.
