LaVar Ball to be the President of Basketball Operations for the Los Angeles Lakers

LOS ANGELES, CA — After discussing with GM, Rob Pelinka, Jeanie Buss has picked LaVar Ball to be the next President of Basketball Operations for the Los Angeles Lakers. The Lakers claim Ball was “their first choice” after publicly striking out on a number of high profile targets including: Jerry West, Pat Riley, Phil Jackson, Jason Kidd, a Jerry Buss hologram, Phil Jackson, Rick Pitino, and an unnamed GEICO employee who won his company’s Fantasy Basketball league. The Lakers were in desperation mode after the hologram of Jeanie’s beloved, deceased father told her the Lakers were “not worth saving.” The organization decided on the Ball patriarch after LaVar showed great interest in the position. With no other available options, the Lakers’ brass realized they had nothing to lose.

Before officially extending the offer to Ball, the Lakers reached out to the GEICO employee one last time. They allegedly sweetened their initial offer with a hefty $10 million signing bonus. The GEICO employee raised concerns over how well success in Fantasy Basketball would translate to an NBA front office. Rob Pelinka assured the man that you do not need to be qualified to work for the Lakers. All you need is “a heart that bleeds purple and gold.” Pelinka’s response disturbed the GEICO employee. The man turned down the Lakers shortly after his meeting with the GM. He claims to enjoy the anonymity and security of his current position at GEICO. The Lakers then presented Ball with a contract, which he signed that evening.

Here’s what owner, Jeanie Buss, had to say about the hire:

“LaVar’s bold, entrepreneurial spirit is exactly what the Laker’s need to reenergize the franchise. We believe LaVar has the plan and the drive to return the Lakers to their former glory. The Lakers organization is also proud to announce the partnership they are starting with Big Baller Brand. Big Baller Brand will be taking over all stadium merchandise and entertainment, effective immediately. We are excited to see LaVar bring his vision to the Los Angeles Lakers.”

LaVar showed up to his introductory press conference dressed head to toe in purple and gold Big Baller Brand gear. Here is a transcript of the entire press conference:

“I told all of ya’ll this day was coming. I am just finally glad the Lakers had the Balls to pick up the phone! *laughs* Now they’ve got the Balls to get stuff done. My first action as President of Basketball Operations is to two sign my two sons, Gelo and Melo. This has always been my plan since the day they were born, to have all three of my boys on the same NBA team. They bring out the best in each other on the court. I would be shocked if we lose more than 10 games next year. People talk all about the “Showtime Lakers.” Nobody is going to remember the Showtime Lakers when we are finished here. Everyone in LA will remember the Ball Dynasty. Jeanie is going to nickname the Lakers’ trophy room the “Ball Hall” after all the gold pieces we add. Secondly, I would like to announce that I am reinstituting the concept of a “player-coach.” LeBron James will assume both of these roles on the Lakers. James will finally have a coach he does not want to fire. And finally, after much time and thought, I would like to announce Big Baller Brand is no more. The proposed partnership with the Lakers has made Big Baller Brand realize that the company has outgrown its humble roots. BBB must rebrand itself in order to set the stage for success in this new partnership. Big Baller Brand will hereby be known as the Bigger Baller Brand. Bigger Baller Brand is a joint-venture operation composed of Big Balls Entertainment, Spicy Balls Catering, and Biggest Baller Enterprises. These entities will take over all essential Lakers game day operations at the Staples Center. I would also like to welcome Rick Singer and Martin Shrekli to the Lakers family. These outstanding businessmen will serve as direct representatives from BBB to the Lakers front office. I have no doubt they will work hard and honestly. 

I know I wasn’t your first pick for President of Basketball Operations and that is okay. This arrangement was predetermined by fate. It was unavoidable. At the very least, I will show up to work, which will be a step above the last guy. The Lakers are BACK!”