Dodger Fans Can’t Find Any Nats Fans to Beat After Loss
LOS ANGELES, CA — “Heartbreaking.” The only way the Dodger faithful can describe their latest round of playoff woes. This one’s gonna leave a mark. It might even hurt more than the loss to Houston in the World Series. After hurricane Harvey devastated their city, the Astros had destiny on their side. They were not playing just for themselves, but for an entire city, desperate for a distraction from one of worst natural disasters in Texas state history. Who were the Los Angeles Dodgers to defy that altruistic fulfillment of destiny?
It hurts more than the loss to Boston. The Red Sox were simply the better team — by a wide margin. The Dodgers were lucky to avoid the sweep.
But this year, the Nationals barely made the playoffs. They limped through the first half of the season and struggled to find an identity as a team. Washington had no business competing with a juggernaut Dodgers team that had steamrolled their way to 106 wins. It was going to be easy pickins for LA… until they let easy pickins slip away.
The home crowd stumbled out of Dodger Stadium after their team’s surprising elimination at the hands of the lowly Nationals. Familiar feelings of disappointment and numbness quietly descended upon the exiting sea of blue jerseys. However, once these fans hit the street, their frustration boiled over into the infamous Dodger beatin’ rage. The kind of rage that gets you walloped into a coma for merely showing up to Dodger Stadium wearing the colors of the away team. Coincidental or not, you’re getting an old-school, parking lot beatin’.
“Oh you’re only 12? Well, here’s a nice cigarette-flavored loogie for ya forehead, on the house, asshole.”
“Oh, you’re actually a Dodgers fan? Whoops sorry, it’s too late. I’ve already started beating you.”
Team sponsored mini-bats were unsheathed, jerseys were balled over fists, and beers became liquid pocket sand. Outside the stadium, the seething blue mass of people looked to beat anything wearing the “curly W” into next week. To their dismay, there were no Nationals fans to be found.
“What the fuck gives? Where are those cheeky bastards?!” Victor Abalesia was exasperated. As head of the largest online Dodgers enforcement club, The Blue Fist, he had spent all day creating makeshift, parking lot weapons for his club to use against opposing fans, in the event of an unexpected loss. “I expected to win, but as a former Boy Scout I know the benefits of being prepared for any situation. So I was just doing my part, really.” Victor had put nails through hundreds of 2x4s and sharpened the ends of metal spoons into shivs so that, “even the little ones can get in on the action.” After about 40 minutes of feverish searching involving bloodhounds and 1979 Warriors-style taunting, the Blue Fist dispersed. They would have to put their cudgels and eye pokers away until next season.
