Illinois Fans Forget How to Celebrate
URBANA-CHAMPAIGN, IL — In the wake of their last second, upset win over Wisconsin, Illinois fans were stunned. After spending the last decade in revenue sport purgatory, the Fighting Illini had finally pulled of an upset worth remembering. The few Illinois fans that had not succumbed to apathy were in the mood for some celebrating, except they couldn’t remember how to do it.
“The last time we had something to celebrate like this? Shit, must have been in ‘07, when we beat #1 Ohio State. I was still at school at the time. That day I was hanging out with a couple of buds at their place off campus. We turned on the game when we heard it was still competitive in the second half. After we won, we cranked up the Nickelback and broke out the good brews, two cases of Michelob Ultra, and had ourselves a time… I tried putting on some Nickelback and drinking Michelob Ultra after we beat Wisconsin, but it just didn’t feel right. It was a weird situation to be in. Fortunately, Illinois football doesn’t put me in that situation often. I’m much more comfortable with rage and numbness.” –Steven Hulton, Illinois class of 2009
“Like, I actually feel something. Something like a warm glow from deep inside me. I don’t recognize this feeling, Is this joy? I think I felt a milder version of whatever this is at my daughter’s wedding.” – Joe Sackman, lifelong Illinois fan
“I yelled at the TV and got up. I just started to instinctively smash things around me with my hands, but I wasn’t mad…What are you even supposed to do with your hands when you’re not angry? Do you just kind of let ‘em go limp or what?” –Aaron Williams, Illinois class of 1982
“For a split second, I almost cared about Illinois sports again. Almost. They almost sucked me back into the abyss. I had to call my therapist.” – Quentin Tyler, class of 1997
“I reached for my whiskey bottle, like I always do after a loss, but I then I realized we had actually won. I put that sucker down and said, “Not today, old friend!” Then I pulled out my dusty bottle of celebratory champagne. I’m riding the emotional high of a big win and I’m too lazy to go get a glass, so I put the bottle straight to my lips and take a swig. Apparently, the bottle hadn’t been sealed properly after the last round of celebratin’, which was probably decades ago. My $500 bottle of champagne had all evaporated, but a large colony of spiders had since moved in. So I swallow about a dozen spiders whole, before I realize what was happening. I screamed and dropped the bottle, which shattered, and released about one hundred spiders into my house. Yep… fuck Illinois.” – P.T. Wiggins, lifelong Illinois fan
“Win or lose, rain or shine, I’ll be at the bars trying to take home sorority girls! Hahah!” -Rusty “Sticky” Spagoo, Urbana-Champaign townie
