Griffin to AD: You’re not going anywhere, you little shit
LOS ANGELES, CA — Reports have emerged that David Griffin arranged a breakfast meeting with Anthony Davis early this morning in Los Angeles. The meeting was scheduled with the intention of giving Griffin a chance to sell Davis on his vision for the team’s future. However, the breakfast was quickly derailed by Davis’s adamant refusal to hear the vice president out. AD exhibited a variety of eyerolls, thousand-eyed stares, and dejected sighs throughout Griffin’s spiel. The NBA All-Star even tried to signal the waiter to bring the check before the Pelican’s executive had finished speaking. When Griffin had finally finished, Davis simply asked, “Are we finished?” Davis is then quoted as having said that he would rather “drag his dick through all the broken-glass and syringes in Skid Row than stay one more day in New Orleans.”
Sources claim Griffin went ballistic after AD’s dick dragging comment. Nearby restaurant patrons report that the executive erupted into a tirade similar in structure and meaning to the following:
“Where do you think you’re going, you little shit? We aren’t done yet. I’ll play you 40+ fucking minutes a game next season and then afterwards I’ll make you run the stairs of the Smoothie King Center until you piss blood like a cherub baby fountain. I’ll age your knees twenty years in one season. You’ll have your own special workout sessions this offseason. How does 20 sets of ‘Explosive Lower Back Barbell Twists’ sound? How about barbell lunges across a 100 ft by 8 ft bed of hot coals? I can think of all sorts of cruel and unusual punishment. Your joints will look like pumpkin pulp. I’ll make sure the Lakers are getting a corpse if they try to sign you.”
It seems unlikely that Anthony Davis will be on the Pelicans roster next season.
UPDATE 6/18: Looks like Griffin won’t have to put Anthony Davis through a meat grinder because the Lakers’ offered the Pelicans almost as much draft capital as the NBA allows. Anthony Davis is going to be a Laker and his joints are very grateful to be safe from David Griffin’s wrath.
