“I’m the Best Player in the Draft” Claims Long Snapper
CITYSVILLE, OK — A projected sixth round long snapper, Edwin Minkus Jr., made a bold declaration on Twitter after his pro day at Citysville State University.
“I don’t think there’s anyone in this draft that can do what I do. So, yeah, I think I am the best player in the draft.”
The tweet was met with equal parts ridicule and awe. Even Minkus’s teammates were surprised at the rhetoric from their specialist. Citysville’s quarterback responded with a simple “Yikes” while a number of other starters reacted with the tears of joy Emoji. The lack of support from his teammates speaks volumes about the long snapper’s reputation in the locker room. Coaches described Minkus as “an arrogant prick” with the ability to “snap a football through a brick wall.” Over the three years Edwin played as a starter, Citysville State never had fewer than eight quarterbacks on its roster. The unusual roster construction stems from Minkus’s incredibly spicy snaps. Mishandled snaps frequently resulted in broken fingers and cracked ribs. On one occasion, an errant snap split a quarterback’s helmet in two. Minkus’s coaches are unsure whether his remarkable talent is worth all the trouble.
“Everybody likes a crisp snap, sure. But, at what point is it too much? I think that’s the question you have got to ask yourself before drafting Ed. We’ve been telling him for years ‘Take some of the sauce off that dish, boy.’ But he never listened. At the end of the day, I’m not even really sure what benefit there is to being able to snap a ball that hard. He was more of a threat to his teammates than anyone lining up across from him. I’m sure Bill Parcells could have found a use for him, but I wouldn’t waste a pick on him. Not worth all the trips to the ER, believe me.”
Still, Minkus has garnered some pre-draft buzz. His unique snapping ability along with his imposing stature brought NFL scouts out in droves to the small Oklahoma college town. Standing at 6’9 and weighing over 400 lbs, Edwin Minkus would be the largest player in NFL history. Unfortunately for the scouts, his physical attributes did not live up to their billing. The workout was nothing short of disastrous for a prospect desperately clinging to the bottom of most draft boards.
Minkus ran the 40-yard dash in 7.24 seconds, which would have been the slowest time ever recorded at the NFL Combine by a whopping 1.24 seconds. It would also have been the second time a 40-yard dash time has ever broken the 6 second mark. Minkus followed up his poor running performance with the bench press, referring to the exercise as “his specialty.” Scouts placed bets with one another on how many reps the enormous prospect would put up. The betting range was in between 35 and 58 reps. After six laborious reps, Minkus racked the weight claiming he had gotten too hungry in the middle of the exercise to continue. He proceeded to refuel with eight Crunchwrap Supremes and a quart of whole milk. Minkus then returned to the weight room. After one rep, the long snapper vomited all over himself. Citysville coaches abruptly ended the workout as trainers helped Minkus clean up.
An anonymous scout summed it up by saying, “It takes some steely balls to stink up the place like hot garbage on your pro day and then claim to be the best player in the draft. I’m almost impressed.”
