New York Knicks: Look How Much Money We Saved!
NEW YORK, NY — On Sunday night, a series of blockbuster trades reverberated throughout the NBA. Al Horford shunned the Celtics for Philly, Malcolm Brogdon became a Pacer, and the trio of Kyrie Irving, Kevin Durant, and DeAndre Jordan were coming to the Big Apple. New York was finally getting a basketball team worthy of representing the most populous city in the United States. However, they weren’t the only NBA franchise in New York celebrating free agency. Five miles from the exuberant Barclays Center, the Knicks brass was popping a little champagne of their own…
“God, just look at how much fucking money we saved, boys! Bottoms up!” The Knicks GM, Scott Perry, was ecstatic. He poured another tall drink for a colleague then drained his own glass in one gulp.
“If we had landed even one of those free agents, there’s no way we would’ve been able to afford all of this expensive booze. I think there’s room in the budget for an extra “work-sponsored” vacation. How does Mykonos sound, lads? Lots of elite NBA talent there, oh yeah, for sure.” Perry proceeded to give two of his closest male colleagues locker room style ass slaps. “Wowee! My hand hurts a bit from that one, shake it off, Jerry because there are more of those coming your way later.” The GM then slowly rotated 180 degrees to ensure everyone in the room could observe his exaggerated wink.
A few drinks later, a heavily inebriated Knicks staffer described the organization’s free agency approach. “The game plan was to look like we were trying to sign the big free agents. When in reality, we really couldn’t give a shit. We are in it for the lifestyle. Then, after all the good free agents are taken, we overpay whatever garbage-time stat packers are left on the market. That’s always been the Knicks modus operandi. But you can’t tell the fans that! They keep the gravy train rolling. They willingly buy tickets to our games — sometimes multiple times a year — to watch our glorified rec team get STOMPED because these morons had the misfortunate of loving basketball and being born in New York City. They’ve got to root for the Knicks or they “ain’t real New Yorkers.” Total fucking chumps and Spike Lee is their mouth-breathing king! I laugh every time I see the lines form up outside Madison Square Garden before a home game. They are paying us to make them sad. That is pathetic. Knicks fans fill me with such disgust and amusement.”
“In all honestly, we almost signed Durant and Kyrie by accident. They REALLY wanted to be New York Knicks and we hadn’t entirely sold them on our dysfunction. They essentially told us to bring them the paperwork and they would sign. So, we slapped Durant in the face by offering him less than a super-max contract, essentially reminding him that he’s a 30-year-old, one legged man. Haha, classic Knicks move, kick him while he’s down. Welcome to New York, asshole.”
Later on in the party, Steve Mills was found giggling to himself in the corner of the office with an ornate lampshade resting atop his head. The executive had this to say about former president, Phil Jackson and the Brooklyn Nets.
“Phil Jackson is a fucking dipshit. He tried too hard to be smart AND failed miserably. The key is to not try too hard because you are going to fail anyway. I signed this contract knowing I was going to be tossed after three years. I am just enjoying the ride, baby. Also Frank Ntilikina? Are you fucking kidding me?! That guy should be shinning shoes in LaGuardia.”
On the Nets:
“These Nets have become a real problem. They used to be just another New York City shitstain that was offloaded to New Jersey, like an uglier more distant relative of the Jets. They sucked so no one bothered to care. They were our competitors just like Borders was Amazon’s competitor… But since they moved into the city they’ve actually gotten competitive. They are threatening our basketball monopoly! We’ve can only kick New Yorkers so many more times in the balls before they stop showing up to our games. Oh well, that will be a problem for the next president.”
The party dragged on into the early hours of the morning. Hungover and exhausted, the Knicks front office signed Julius Randle to a three-year, $63 million deal. They threw another party that night to celebrate a job well done.
