Rivera: Snyder “Harassment” is “In the Past”
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The newly hired head coach of the Washington Redskins took some time out of his first press conference to address the harassment lawsuit he had filed against Dan Snyder during their negotiation process.
“All that harassment stuff is water under bridge with me and Dan. What it all boiled down to was a series of miscommunications, that’s all. I’ve been flattered by the way Dan has aggressively pursued me since I was let go from the Panthers organization. I always knew he wanted me, it just took me some time to realize how much I wanted him as well… and the Redskins organization of course. I have dropped the suit.”
Rivera proceeded to gush over the Redskins’ culture, fan base, and the organization’s “rich tradition of success.” The two-time NFL Coach of the Year (2013 and 2015) also expressed his excitement to work with Dwayne Haskins. He described the young quarterback as a “pudgier, dumber, less charming Cam Newton.”
“Dwayne reminds me a lot of Cam. Except without any of his charisma or instincts… Actually maybe he doesn’t remind me of Cam at all… We’ve got a lot of work ahead of us. I am looking forward to it.”
Snyder’s spokesman released a short statement at the press conference, namely emphasizing how excited the organization was to hand the keys of the Washington Redskins over to a man that is a proven winner and culture changer. The statement ended with “I always knew Coach Rivera would look great in burgundy in gold, but I never imagined he would look so handsome.” Rivera blushed before looking down at the floor shyly.
The Redskins have the second overall pick in the upcoming draft. They are widely expected to draft Ohio State’s Chase Young, after the defensive lineman announced his decision to enter the draft. However, don’t be surprised if Rivera and Snyder decide to shock the world with a bold, outside of the box draft choice. Snyder is said to be “infatuated” with Alabama quarterback Tua Tagovailoa who he says could “throw a football from Kaua’i to O’ahu.” However, the owner is also considering trading down from the #2 position for the right offer. New England has currently offered Washington a mysterious “bag of magic beans” for their first-round draft choice. Snyder is said to be hesitant to pass up on the opportunity to own these magical legumes.
