Redskins Install Penny-Pinching Turnstiles at Stadium
LANDOVER, MD — At the bequest of Redskins owner, Dan Snyder, FedExField (one word) staff have installed “penny-pinching” turnstiles in all entrances and exits to the stadium. The revolutionary turnstiles, developed through a partnership with Dyson, are designed to suck the loose change right out of your pockets. Powerful Dyson vacuums are activated when an occupant steps into the turnstile. Once triggered, the turnstile will lock in place until the vacuums have completed their three-minute cycle. The device will then unlock, allowing the occupant to pass into the stadium penniless. Immediately across from all entrances are Dan Snyder’s own ATM brand – SnyderBux. These ATMs charge a 40% service fee and only allow you to withdraw in increments of $50 and $100.
The implementation of the new turnstiles and ATMs are a result of falling stadium revenue. However, rather than improve the product on the field, Snyder has decided to nickel and dime the few remaining fans that do regularly show up for games. Other policies management has adopted to boost stadium revenue are:
Visting Fan Policy
The Redskins front office has expanded the visitor’s section of FedExField to accommodate the large number of away fans. Visiting fans will be given the majority of lower bowl seating options.
Bathroom Policy
All bathrooms within the stadium now have an entrance fee of $5 per trip. A day pass for the bathroom costs $25 per adult ticket holder. Kids have the option of admittance at half price per trip or purchasing a day pass at the discounted price of $24.99. Prices do not reflect tax or transaction fees.
Lost and Found Policy
Items left at the stadium can be reclaimed for a finder’s fee of approximately 60% of the item’s value. Heirlooms and items of sentimental value will be assigned an arbitrary value by the franchise’s onsite appraisers.
Photograph Policy
Photography at FedExField will be prohibited at the start of next season. Pictures may only be taken by certified FedExField staff for a small fee. Pictures of the stadium will be sold for $10, pictures of the team will be sold for $20, and pictures of fans will be sold for $50 (plus an additional $10 per person included in the image). Violators of this policy will be subjected to varying degrees of punishment. First time violators will be fined and subjected to a red “SHAME” stamp on their forehead. Second time violators will be brought to the Redskins’ owner box where they will be forced onto their hands and knees to beg forgiveness from the benevolent, Dan Snyder. They might also be asked to say things such as, “Thank you for buying the Redskins,” “RG3 was worth every pick we gave up for him,” and “Albert Haynesworth’s contract was completely justifiable. He was a transcendent talent.” Third time violators will be forced to attend every home Redskins game for the remainder of the season.
Despite the greediness on the part of the organization, the Redskins season ticket waitlist has continued to explode. The franchise reported a record 300 million-person waitlist. This implies that nearly every single person in the United States is waiting for the opportunity to purchase Redskins season tickets. Business appears to be booming for the franchise that has not won a postseason game since 1999.